The Tangible Promise (Expectant Hope)

I've never understood faith. I mean, I understand it conceptually and by definition but as far as the practice of it in daily life? Nope.  I can get “speaking things that are not as though they were” but that next step—actually ACTING like the thing you've prayed for is already realized? Nope. I'm talking about those ballsy actions like buying college paraphernalia before you get your acceptance letter...or buying baby clothes before there is a baby. Not only before there’s a baby but when you've been told there will never be one. I've done it. We have at least two duffle bags full of clothes plus crib linens and stuffed animals collecting dust. (Every time there's a baby shower I have to talk myself out of raiding the stash so that all that cuteness at least goes to use). We've chosen larger homes than we needed and called one of the rooms a nursery. We chose the car we've now had for 7 years so that it would accommodate our growing family. The reality is though, when I've done those things I haven’t really believed it. I would constantly be torn between “If it’s meant to be it’ll happen” and “these things come by fasting and praying” theology.

Maybe there was a time when I believed more than I do now. I remember signing up for one of those record clubs and selecting all cds. (Talk about dating yourself!) I didn't have cd player the first but I believed there was one in my future. A few months later I got my first boom box complete with CD player for Christmas. That was a long time ago and I don’t remember doing that (and meaning it) since.  

It’s been hard navigating the big “I” (Infertility--I hate that word almost as much as I hate the reality). It has challenged my faith more than any other thing has. I mean Lord, how do you give me this HUGE heart for children, have me work with kids my entire life and grow up desiring to be a mom only so…I can’t? We won’t even talk about all the “Big Brother Syndrome" (ala Prodigal Son story) issues that conjures in me.  So when I've been in services where they get to the “praise Him like it’s already done” part I shrink a little inside. I feel like I can’t and don’t understand why I should. I mean is faith bargaining? Tit for Tat? Some king of magic? “Just do this or say this and then God will…” But what if He doesn't? What if that’s not in His plan? How do I do that when I’m still sad/confused/angry? All these “acts of faith” I’m being told to do just seem like torture and a set up for humiliation. How do I have this expectant hope when I’m not even sure if the thing I’m praying for is what God wants for me? After all, I've been praying for so long with no return. What's left to hope for? 

Enter Christmas.

I realize as I've read the Christmas story several times this season that Jesus engendered worship and joy as soon as He was born. He hadn't done anything yet, they didn't know what He was gonna do or when He was gonna do it. In spite of that they still worshiped, they still acknowledged his Lordship and they still had great joy.  Since Jesus came in human form and started His life like we all do, it was a while before He even started to have a visible impact on the world—30 years to be exact. So the shepherds and wise men that came, the other people that eventually heard and I imagine also celebrated, had this high of “The King is finally here!” and then…nothing. The daily reality of their life didn't change just because Jesus was born.  They went back to tending sheep, fetching water, and dealing with the oppressive leadership of the day. Some of them may not have even lived to see the Jesus we read about. So why and how did they worship and have joy essentially over just the birth of a baby? I think it was because His birth represented a tangible promise. They had waited 400 years for a king. That’s generations and generations of people praying and not seeing anything happen. So after all that, they hear the king is here. You better believe they’re rejoicing. No, they didn't know when He’d start being 'king-ly' or even what exactly He’d do with all that power and authority but it didn't matter. They knew He was on the scene and His presence was enough to let them know that what they needed was on the way. 

Sometimes I think about promises as this vague thing—kind of like a hope I guess.  A well-meaning shot in the dark; positive thinking. But really, a promise is tangible—when it’s made by God. When God steps into your life His presence says “You know that thing I promised you? I'm good for it.  And by the way, everything's gonna be alright." 

There was a long time between the birth and ministry (and ultimately resurrection) of Jesus.  I wonder how the promise changed the people who had celebrated His birth? I wonder if the promise made people view their life differently? Their circumstances likely hadn't changed but I wonder how their attitude about their circumstances changed knowing that the promise had arrived? Did they still have hope? Did they still I have joy?  

I think I’m starting to get it.

Expectant hope is practical and possible because the promise is here! Jesus’ presence in my life means that what I need will be supplied. Yes, I've gotten several “words” about having kids. I've had dreams and everything.  But it’s hard to stay excited about those things when it’s 2 or 5  or 10 years later. But the hope is not in the tangible realization of my answered prayer. The hope and reassurance is that Jesus loves me, has what I need, has my best interest in mind and is ENOUGH.  In my waiting to receive, my waiting to understand, my waiting to see what He has for me, He is enough. That’s where I can rest and rejoice. The promise is tangible…and it’s here. Merry Christmas to me.