The Tangible Promise (Expectant Hope)

I've never understood faith. I mean, I understand it conceptually and by definition but as far as the practice of it in daily life? Nope.  I can get “speaking things that are not as though they were” but that next step—actually ACTING like the thing you've prayed for is already realized? Nope. I'm talking about those ballsy actions like buying college paraphernalia before you get your acceptance letter...or buying baby clothes before there is a baby. Not only before there’s a baby but when you've been told there will never be one. I've done it. We have at least two duffle bags full of clothes plus crib linens and stuffed animals collecting dust. (Every time there's a baby shower I have to talk myself out of raiding the stash so that all that cuteness at least goes to use). We've chosen larger homes than we needed and called one of the rooms a nursery. We chose the car we've now had for 7 years so that it would accommodate our growing family. The reality is though, when I've done those things I haven’t really believed it. I would constantly be torn between “If it’s meant to be it’ll happen” and “these things come by fasting and praying” theology.

Maybe there was a time when I believed more than I do now. I remember signing up for one of those record clubs and selecting all cds. (Talk about dating yourself!) I didn't have cd player the first but I believed there was one in my future. A few months later I got my first boom box complete with CD player for Christmas. That was a long time ago and I don’t remember doing that (and meaning it) since.  

It’s been hard navigating the big “I” (Infertility--I hate that word almost as much as I hate the reality). It has challenged my faith more than any other thing has. I mean Lord, how do you give me this HUGE heart for children, have me work with kids my entire life and grow up desiring to be a mom only so…I can’t? We won’t even talk about all the “Big Brother Syndrome" (ala Prodigal Son story) issues that conjures in me.  So when I've been in services where they get to the “praise Him like it’s already done” part I shrink a little inside. I feel like I can’t and don’t understand why I should. I mean is faith bargaining? Tit for Tat? Some king of magic? “Just do this or say this and then God will…” But what if He doesn't? What if that’s not in His plan? How do I do that when I’m still sad/confused/angry? All these “acts of faith” I’m being told to do just seem like torture and a set up for humiliation. How do I have this expectant hope when I’m not even sure if the thing I’m praying for is what God wants for me? After all, I've been praying for so long with no return. What's left to hope for? 

Enter Christmas.

I realize as I've read the Christmas story several times this season that Jesus engendered worship and joy as soon as He was born. He hadn't done anything yet, they didn't know what He was gonna do or when He was gonna do it. In spite of that they still worshiped, they still acknowledged his Lordship and they still had great joy.  Since Jesus came in human form and started His life like we all do, it was a while before He even started to have a visible impact on the world—30 years to be exact. So the shepherds and wise men that came, the other people that eventually heard and I imagine also celebrated, had this high of “The King is finally here!” and then…nothing. The daily reality of their life didn't change just because Jesus was born.  They went back to tending sheep, fetching water, and dealing with the oppressive leadership of the day. Some of them may not have even lived to see the Jesus we read about. So why and how did they worship and have joy essentially over just the birth of a baby? I think it was because His birth represented a tangible promise. They had waited 400 years for a king. That’s generations and generations of people praying and not seeing anything happen. So after all that, they hear the king is here. You better believe they’re rejoicing. No, they didn't know when He’d start being 'king-ly' or even what exactly He’d do with all that power and authority but it didn't matter. They knew He was on the scene and His presence was enough to let them know that what they needed was on the way. 

Sometimes I think about promises as this vague thing—kind of like a hope I guess.  A well-meaning shot in the dark; positive thinking. But really, a promise is tangible—when it’s made by God. When God steps into your life His presence says “You know that thing I promised you? I'm good for it.  And by the way, everything's gonna be alright." 

There was a long time between the birth and ministry (and ultimately resurrection) of Jesus.  I wonder how the promise changed the people who had celebrated His birth? I wonder if the promise made people view their life differently? Their circumstances likely hadn't changed but I wonder how their attitude about their circumstances changed knowing that the promise had arrived? Did they still have hope? Did they still I have joy?  

I think I’m starting to get it.

Expectant hope is practical and possible because the promise is here! Jesus’ presence in my life means that what I need will be supplied. Yes, I've gotten several “words” about having kids. I've had dreams and everything.  But it’s hard to stay excited about those things when it’s 2 or 5  or 10 years later. But the hope is not in the tangible realization of my answered prayer. The hope and reassurance is that Jesus loves me, has what I need, has my best interest in mind and is ENOUGH.  In my waiting to receive, my waiting to understand, my waiting to see what He has for me, He is enough. That’s where I can rest and rejoice. The promise is tangible…and it’s here. Merry Christmas to me.  

You're So Vain...

"...you probably think this song is about you. Don't you? Don't you?"

I remember when I first heard that song.  It's said that Carly Simon, the artist that sang it, never divulged who she was talking about but I imagine every man in her life squirmed every time it played.  I thought it was so funny! It reminded me of our, ok MY, natural tendency to make everything about me. Don't "SMH" me. You do it too.  No matter what kind of self-esteem you have I believe part of our sinful nature is to be self-centered. Think about it, as we read scriptures, watch a television show, or hear someone's story how many times do we say or think, "Maaan if that was me...?!" I may not always act on what's in my best interest first or even at all, but best believe it crossed my mind! That is until it should.  Until my other human sinful inclination kicks in. The art of being able to quickly identify the downfall of others while seeing myself through rose colored glasses. I have to check myself often when sitting in sermons and thinking "Dang, I gotta get so-in-so this dvd they really need this word." 

Um, 'scuse me Miss Thang. So-in-so isn't here. You are. So that means apparently YOU are the one that needs this word.  

Yes, when a word or THE word starts to step on my toes I two-step like nobody's business . My internal dialogue w/the Spirit goes something like this "Who ME?" "Yes YOU!" "Couldn't be?" "Then who?" I constantly live on the battlefield of telling God yes while telling him no.  I know, I know. A double-minded (wo)man is unstable in all her ways. It's quite the balancing act that can leave you feeling quite dizzy and schizo if unchecked. So THIS is what dying to the flesh really means for me?! At least for now. It doesn't mean going to Africa to be a missionary or giving my favorite shoes to a homeless person (like I used to think). It could one day. Right through here though? My task is learning how to die to MY innate bent towards doubt and fear. I am a pro at talking myself out of anything that seems foreign or that has any chance of failure (translation EVERYTHING).  So my growth in this season will be demonstrated by my ability to say "Yes" and my commitment to following through. I wish I had a great success story about this to share right here but I don't. It's a new and continuing journey and I'm a little tortoise like in the execution but I'm walking nonetheless because at the end of the day it's not about me. It's about God graciously using me to further express His love, grace and compassion in the earth. And that's a good enough reason to say Yes. 

One of my favorite songs right now , "All About You", perfectly sums all this up for me. It's one of the many awesome songs on the debut project of Anita Wilson (of Donald Lawrence & Company) Worship Soul.  The hook contains my favorite lyric...

"I will pursue what pleases you, I will follow through 'cause I realize it's all about You!"

Take a listen, enjoy and then go buy this project! It's available starting today on Itunes, Amazon, Best Buy, Walmart. It'll bless your life! 
Until next time, that's my two cents! 

Open

"If you learn how to not get attached, then you won't get hurt. Plain & simple."                           A lovely young woman I know, posted this on FB the other day; essentially a prescription for avoiding a broken heart.

 People rant and make declarations on FB all the time and usually I keep scrolling. This time I had to stop because that is something I have said and/or thought thousands of times over the course of my nearly middle-aged life. I can completely relate to feeling disappointed, discouraged and sometimes devastated because people don't reciprocate or even worse take for granted your love and kindness. It sucks. So I completely understand the decision to just not do it anymore. As a matter of fact, it seems like the wise thing to do. I'm not proud to say it, but It's pretty much been one of the guiding principles of my life. Love people, be nice but don't let anybody get too close.  Problem is, it works far too well. Yes, you're protected from tear-soaked pillows and being "so sick of love songs" BUT it also keeps people from being able to really love YOU.  You can't receive love because you have essentially made your heart inaccessible to EVERYONE--even God.                       Walled in from pain also means walled in from love. 

And we all know what happens to folks that aren't loved...they're bitter and mean. Those things might not manifest for you like the old spinster with all the cats or the grumpy old man who never returns the balls that land in his yard BUT you will see the fruit of a loveless life.  Things like...surface conversations, mistrust of everyone, mechanical worship, self-centeredness, low self-esteem, people pleasing. The list could go on and on. Surface, mistrusting, mechanical, self-centered, people pleasing...no one says they want to grow up and be all those things.

 I guess, all I'm trying to say is 1) Be careful what you declare over your life and 2) Stay open. There's a whole world of love waiting for you! 

With that in mind, enjoy this BEAUTIFUL song by Kevin Levar. A great prayer and goal for us all. That's NicoleForYourThoughts what are yours? (Thoughts that is.) 

My Two Cents

Has it really been a year and a half since I've been here? Geesh. Welp, it's never too late to start over right? So I shall.  It's a new day and I'm in a new place so rather than use this platform to reveal my deepest unconfessed sins as a friend used to say, I'm gonna use it to share some things that I LOVE and maybe spark some interesting conversation along the way.  


Anyone that knows me knows that I am not short on opinions. I have an opinion on pretty much everything. I have learned however that because people kinda do listen to me I need to be really wise, careful and spirit-led in which opinions I share and when I share them. With that being said, this will not be a place where you'll find wardrobe critiques, reality star updates or the latest gossip about fallen christian du jour. I will, however, share the things I love and my commentary on anything I find interesting, compelling or funny. This is likely to include music, movies, restaurants, tv shows and of course food. Not sure where we'll end up so buckle up and let's figure it out together! 


Oh and I think I work better as a team so I'm counting on you to be my co-hosts at the proverbial round table.  So if you see something you like comment and share. If you see something you don't like or disagree with feel free to comment but you don't have to share that part. lol Give me a minute to thicken my skin before you throw me to the sharks! Alright heeeere we go! 

I'm Coming Out...One 'a These Days

Today I was watching Ricky Martin on Oprah. (I know, I know. I watch too much tv.) He was talking about his journey of being a huge star and sex symbol and then coming out in recent years. When asked how he feels now that he's out he said "I have such an incredible peace like I've never had before"  My mind instantly went into church lady mode and thought how most christians would say both of those things can't be true. You can't be openly gay AND have peace. Blasphemy!

I started thinking, aren't we more postured to hear and receive from God when we are living in truth? Even AA says "admitting is the first step".  Being in denial about what's true about our lives only keeps us stuck.   So I say we ALL need to have a coming out moment.

You're still here?! I was sure I would've convinced you this was a heathen page by now after that opening paragraph.  Afterall, to a good Christian if you don't show your hatred for sin by picketing, openly rebuking and voting republican you need to turn in your church fan IMMEDIATELY 'cause you ain't saved.

But I digress...I think this conversation is disturbing to a lot of people because I think some people really feel like God has to show us how disappointed and mad He is with us BEFORE He can really show us His love. What about Him loving us because He created us in His image? What about Him loving us just the way we are? What about that?

We can't handle that. I don't exactly know why but we can't. I can't.  It's hard to embrace and live like I know He loves me because all I can see and think about is everything I do wrong every day. How much I must disappoint Him.  How much time I've wasted and am wasting.  How I'm not living up to my full potential. How I should be so much farther in life. How I should be over the issues I have. How I should be more disciplined. How I should be a bettter example. How I'm such an imposter. How I'm too needy.  How far I am from Him.  How I can't even begin to see my way back to a better place.

In my mind His love is waaaaaay on the other side of allllll 'a that. *sigh*

When I think about the Ricky Martin's of the world or anybody else for that matter I think about--and can confidently talk about--a God that loves you from the beginning. A God that loves you in any situation you could ever be in and through any phase that you could possibly go through. A God that loves you on the days that you dot all your spiritual i's and cross all your holy t's (yeah right) and who loves you when you can't find your Bible and don't remember when you last prayed without multi-tasking.  Yeah, that God I talk to YOU about...He's cool.  He won't ever leave you. He's not ashamed of you. He's not sick of you going around the mulberry bush for the 99th time.  It's all love. And yeah, you'll be transformed, but it'll be because of the presence of His love in your life and your learned ability to accept it not because you worked so feverishly to win His approval. Yeah...your God is pre-tty cool. 

Too bad there are always a separate set of rules for me.  It's like I think I get God when He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, is late for work and spilled his coffee in his lap during his 90 minute morning commute. THAT guy? He's always mad, disappointed, ashamed, shaking his head in disapproval and waiting for a chance to lay the smack down.  I try to stay out of his way because well...I think we're better off that way.  Occassionally I'll work up the courage to tip in with my head bowed and give Him the equivalent of the nigga nod (head tilts up quickly as the non-verbal "sup?") but not for long. And usually that happens when there are other people around. It feels safer. I know we're supposed to be close and getting closer but how do we do that when you're always mad and I always feel unworthy? That's a recipe for...Oprah, VH1, FB or any other thing that can hold my attention and keep my mind numbed so I don't have to face the reality that is my life or lack thereof these days.

If I were home right now, I'd be living my version of a closeted life. I'd have lots to do in the world so I'd live in my public persona most of the time. Oh and she's mildly impressive on a good day. She's diplomatic, genuine, moderately organized and efficient, a team player, selfless, good listener, hopeful....all that.  Oh all that and BUSY.  There'd be little time to tell the truth about how I really feel or where I really am.  After expending the energy of maintaining that nonsense for 18 hours a day all that's left to do is go home and collapse.  Here...there's a whoooole lotta free time. Work, home and back again. So here we are. Sitting in this closet. In the dark. Hoping the world never finds out what my life is really like, but then secretly hoping they do. Hoping that someone can slide the key under the door and let me know "the coast is clear".  I wanna live in that peace that comes from being able to admit you're in the dark in the first place. I wanna know and believe that Ricky Martin's God is my God too. 

To be continued...

My friend wrote a song. It's about all I can muster up for a prayer right now.
"Here I am. I am--calling from a dark place. Hear the cry of my heart. Quench my need for other things that don't satisfy. You're what I need in my life"
Here I Am~Michelle Lang (Obnoxious)

Goooooo Me!

I remember one day when I was in third grade hearing my Nana tell my mom "She needs praise Beverly".  I don't know what this was about--perhaps some artwork on the refrigerator or something--but I distinctly remember saying adamantly "NO I DON'T!"  Even at a young age I abhorred the idea of needing anything. For some reason I believed that I should be self-sufficient, self-sustained and self-motivated. I have no idea where that came from but it has been the cornerstone of my constitution ever since.

(Insert Dr. Phil's refrain "How's THAT workin' for ya?!")

Yeah...it's not. It never has. As a matter of fact, I believe God created us in the completely opposite way. He created us to first feel the draw of our need for Him and then to experience the fullness of who He is through our connectedness (aka dependence) on each other. So most of my life has been living through the collision between that and my faulty childhood declaration.  A collision that usually leaves my pride mangled but my spirit uplifted as I actually have been able to experience community. 

In this season the mack truck I've crossed paths with is my work.  In the last two years I've been submerged in all things new. I left a place where "everybody knew my name and they were always glad I came", where my boss trusted me, my peers supported me and my staff believed in me. They sang to me on my birthday, left signs on my door to show love and threw me a party when it was time for me to leave. They were my family.  It had it's bumps and certainly didn't start that way but even through the undesirable times, before me and the grown-ups learned to love each other, I always had the kids.  Missed deadlines, botched plans, late buses, burnt snack...they always had the ability through a hug or a smile to make me feel like my work was appreciated.

Today? Well Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore.  It's a whoooole new world. These people don't know me from Adam, weren't around for my "glory days" (did I have those yet?) and frankly don't care how much my people love me. Not only that, but in addition to having to make myself "knowable" so they can learn me, I have to PROVE seemingly every day and with every task that I deserve to be there. Now, before you accuse me of whining let me just say I know that this is probably how the rest of the world aka the real world operates, but it's just a hard environment for me to be in. But I digress...

With that reality there naturally there isn't a whole lot of patting on the back going on. Most things are considered your reasonable service. So today I had my annual review.
(The explanation on how I feel about being evaluated is a whoooole other therapy session and we don't even have that kinda time)

The result was that "I do my job".   This was the result after being rated on no less than like 12-16 different outcomes and goals.  This would perhaps be ok, especially since I don't neeeeed people to pat me on the back, but being that I feel like I spent the last 10 months working hard and feeling stressed out most of the time while I was doing it...it sucks!  I don't know what I would have liked for my supervisor to say. Actually he verbally said "I think you're doing great". On paper though, I did my job.  Forget letters from partners/clients thanking me for whatever service I provided, forget emails from staff from around the country saying they appreciate my work (which meant a lot by the way), forget doing things that my peers didn't do and doing more than I was asked in some instances...I did my job. At face value I guess I did. It just stings to have all those categories to evaluate your performance and then have only two areas where I did a little more than my reasonable service.

So here I sit, making you sit through this vent and remembering two things...

1. The ONLY place I'm going to get consistent cries of how amazing I am is from my mother and...
2. I have to get to the place where I so understand in my craw that Jesus is pleased with me that the validation of man won't matter...even if that "man" does sign my checks. 

Oh and I guess there's one more. I have to be driven by the desire to please God and do my personal best; nothing more. That way when the crowd is silent I can paint my face, don a jersey with a big 16 on the back and cheer myself on.  I gotta be my own fan club in this piece.

Gooooooooooooooooooo Nicole!

Now excuse me while I do a victory lap.

The Greatest Dichotomy

Sooooo...last week I had the unction to write a couple times. But I didn't because the idea is painful and I feel like if I verbalize it, it makes it more real and inevitable. COP OUT.  If this blog thing is going to serve a purpose in my life I have to do it..through the pain and maybe sometimes in spite of having nothing revelatory or eloquent to say. So, here's what had my attention last week and well, pretty much all the time.

I was watching Ryan O'Neil on Oprah (was the last post prompted by Oprah too? Oh well don't judge me. lol) I looked at his weathered face and watched it alternate between joy and unimaginable grief as he talked about his dear love Farrah.  In that moment I was reminded of the thing that boggles my mind more than anything else..the greatest dichotomy.

Ryan was experiencing what he described as the greatest pain of his life as he processes and lives through the grief of losing Farrah BUT the reason why he could feel those things is because he experienced so much LIVING with her while she was alive.

Dying and losing are two things that honestly petrify me the most. My mind literally can not fathom the idea that my life won't always be the way it is. This should bring me hope since every day isn't the best, but it doesn't.  Even with its imperfections my life is safe. It's my life. It's predictable.  The idea of one day someone integral to this picture being gone is more than I can handle thinking about on most days. This is true from my parents, to siblings, to friends to even my dog. I almost obsessively worry about something happening to the people I love. Any phone call after dark is unnerving. If I call someone too many times without them answering I'm ready to call out the dogs. It's ridiculous.

Not only that but taking risks in my own life is usually not even an option. I've watched people I love that have seemed to have lived the perfect examples of a surrendered life go through HELL. Yeah they come out stronger and all that, but in my mind I equate answering a higher call and living in a fuller way as an invitation to grief and struggle. No thank you. I'll stick to texting and my DVR thank you.

I realize it's entirelty irrational.  I have seen and heard countless testimonies of people who have lived through and triumphed past unimaginable pain, loss and tragedy.  I know it's possible. When I try to picture myself in their shoes though...I just don't think I could do it. All I can imagine is myself in a soggy heap somewhere. And so I stay in a box; sometimes tip-toeing near the edge, but usually staying nice and centered...inside the box. I see dreams and bigger living "out there" somewhere beyond a safe reach and it just taunts me. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not know that more exists. 

As I stress myself out about not being where I think I should be at this age and get freaked out at the notion of one day being the oldest mom at a high school graduation, I try to remember that weathered faces, graying hairand shuffling gaits aren't necessarily signs of the wear and tear of life, but they are the marks of LIVING.  Somehow miraculously in a "all things work together" kinda way God uses those things that seem unimaginable to me, to build people and help them see and know a fuller picture of who He is.  I've seen people understand what real peace is, to know the deliverance and strength of God. These triumphant folks really know what it means to depend on GOD.  They bounce back. They continue to live, love, create AAAAAND love and trust God.  I know it's possible. But if I'm honest I'd have to say that I dread the day that I have to learn some of those things firsthand. But how do you experience a real life of living if you are constantly afraid of losing and dying? You don't.  So you spend lots of time distracting yourself. You stay up late with mindless things until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. You only do things you feel like you can moderately control and when you encounter things that you can't...it's not pretty. 

So here I am every day wrestling with the question "Will today be the day that you want to LIVE more than you're afraid to die?"  Apparently not today. But maybe tomorrow.