Today I was watching Ricky Martin on Oprah. (I know, I know. I watch too much tv.) He was talking about his journey of being a huge star and sex symbol and then coming out in recent years. When asked how he feels now that he's out he said "I have such an incredible peace like I've never had before" My mind instantly went into church lady mode and thought how most christians would say both of those things can't be true. You can't be openly gay AND have peace. Blasphemy!
I started thinking, aren't we more postured to hear and receive from God when we are living in truth? Even AA says "admitting is the first step". Being in denial about what's true about our lives only keeps us stuck. So I say we ALL need to have a coming out moment.
You're still here?! I was sure I would've convinced you this was a heathen page by now after that opening paragraph. Afterall, to a good Christian if you don't show your hatred for sin by picketing, openly rebuking and voting republican you need to turn in your church fan IMMEDIATELY 'cause you ain't saved.
But I digress...I think this conversation is disturbing to a lot of people because I think some people really feel like God has to show us how disappointed and mad He is with us BEFORE He can really show us His love. What about Him loving us because He created us in His image? What about Him loving us just the way we are? What about that?
We can't handle that. I don't exactly know why but we can't. I can't. It's hard to embrace and live like I know He loves me because all I can see and think about is everything I do wrong every day. How much I must disappoint Him. How much time I've wasted and am wasting. How I'm not living up to my full potential. How I should be so much farther in life. How I should be over the issues I have. How I should be more disciplined. How I should be a bettter example. How I'm such an imposter. How I'm too needy. How far I am from Him. How I can't even begin to see my way back to a better place.
In my mind His love is waaaaaay on the other side of allllll 'a that. *sigh*
When I think about the Ricky Martin's of the world or anybody else for that matter I think about--and can confidently talk about--a God that loves you from the beginning. A God that loves you in any situation you could ever be in and through any phase that you could possibly go through. A God that loves you on the days that you dot all your spiritual i's and cross all your holy t's (yeah right) and who loves you when you can't find your Bible and don't remember when you last prayed without multi-tasking. Yeah, that God I talk to YOU about...He's cool. He won't ever leave you. He's not ashamed of you. He's not sick of you going around the mulberry bush for the 99th time. It's all love. And yeah, you'll be transformed, but it'll be because of the presence of His love in your life and your learned ability to accept it not because you worked so feverishly to win His approval. Yeah...your God is pre-tty cool.
Too bad there are always a separate set of rules for me. It's like I think I get God when He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, is late for work and spilled his coffee in his lap during his 90 minute morning commute. THAT guy? He's always mad, disappointed, ashamed, shaking his head in disapproval and waiting for a chance to lay the smack down. I try to stay out of his way because well...I think we're better off that way. Occassionally I'll work up the courage to tip in with my head bowed and give Him the equivalent of the nigga nod (head tilts up quickly as the non-verbal "sup?") but not for long. And usually that happens when there are other people around. It feels safer. I know we're supposed to be close and getting closer but how do we do that when you're always mad and I always feel unworthy? That's a recipe for...Oprah, VH1, FB or any other thing that can hold my attention and keep my mind numbed so I don't have to face the reality that is my life or lack thereof these days.
If I were home right now, I'd be living my version of a closeted life. I'd have lots to do in the world so I'd live in my public persona most of the time. Oh and she's mildly impressive on a good day. She's diplomatic, genuine, moderately organized and efficient, a team player, selfless, good listener, hopeful....all that. Oh all that and BUSY. There'd be little time to tell the truth about how I really feel or where I really am. After expending the energy of maintaining that nonsense for 18 hours a day all that's left to do is go home and collapse. Here...there's a whoooole lotta free time. Work, home and back again. So here we are. Sitting in this closet. In the dark. Hoping the world never finds out what my life is really like, but then secretly hoping they do. Hoping that someone can slide the key under the door and let me know "the coast is clear". I wanna live in that peace that comes from being able to admit you're in the dark in the first place. I wanna know and believe that Ricky Martin's God is my God too.
To be continued...
My friend wrote a song. It's about all I can muster up for a prayer right now.
"Here I am. I am--calling from a dark place. Hear the cry of my heart. Quench my need for other things that don't satisfy. You're what I need in my life"
Here I Am~Michelle Lang (Obnoxious)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Goooooo Me!
I remember one day when I was in third grade hearing my Nana tell my mom "She needs praise Beverly". I don't know what this was about--perhaps some artwork on the refrigerator or something--but I distinctly remember saying adamantly "NO I DON'T!" Even at a young age I abhorred the idea of needing anything. For some reason I believed that I should be self-sufficient, self-sustained and self-motivated. I have no idea where that came from but it has been the cornerstone of my constitution ever since.
(Insert Dr. Phil's refrain "How's THAT workin' for ya?!")
Yeah...it's not. It never has. As a matter of fact, I believe God created us in the completely opposite way. He created us to first feel the draw of our need for Him and then to experience the fullness of who He is through our connectedness (aka dependence) on each other. So most of my life has been living through the collision between that and my faulty childhood declaration. A collision that usually leaves my pride mangled but my spirit uplifted as I actually have been able to experience community.
In this season the mack truck I've crossed paths with is my work. In the last two years I've been submerged in all things new. I left a place where "everybody knew my name and they were always glad I came", where my boss trusted me, my peers supported me and my staff believed in me. They sang to me on my birthday, left signs on my door to show love and threw me a party when it was time for me to leave. They were my family. It had it's bumps and certainly didn't start that way but even through the undesirable times, before me and the grown-ups learned to love each other, I always had the kids. Missed deadlines, botched plans, late buses, burnt snack...they always had the ability through a hug or a smile to make me feel like my work was appreciated.
Today? Well Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. It's a whoooole new world. These people don't know me from Adam, weren't around for my "glory days" (did I have those yet?) and frankly don't care how much my people love me. Not only that, but in addition to having to make myself "knowable" so they can learn me, I have to PROVE seemingly every day and with every task that I deserve to be there. Now, before you accuse me of whining let me just say I know that this is probably how the rest of the world aka the real world operates, but it's just a hard environment for me to be in. But I digress...
With that reality there naturally there isn't a whole lot of patting on the back going on. Most things are considered your reasonable service. So today I had my annual review.
(The explanation on how I feel about being evaluated is a whoooole other therapy session and we don't even have that kinda time)
The result was that "I do my job". This was the result after being rated on no less than like 12-16 different outcomes and goals. This would perhaps be ok, especially since I don't neeeeed people to pat me on the back, but being that I feel like I spent the last 10 months working hard and feeling stressed out most of the time while I was doing it...it sucks! I don't know what I would have liked for my supervisor to say. Actually he verbally said "I think you're doing great". On paper though, I did my job. Forget letters from partners/clients thanking me for whatever service I provided, forget emails from staff from around the country saying they appreciate my work (which meant a lot by the way), forget doing things that my peers didn't do and doing more than I was asked in some instances...I did my job. At face value I guess I did. It just stings to have all those categories to evaluate your performance and then have only two areas where I did a little more than my reasonable service.
So here I sit, making you sit through this vent and remembering two things...
Now excuse me while I do a victory lap.
(Insert Dr. Phil's refrain "How's THAT workin' for ya?!")
Yeah...it's not. It never has. As a matter of fact, I believe God created us in the completely opposite way. He created us to first feel the draw of our need for Him and then to experience the fullness of who He is through our connectedness (aka dependence) on each other. So most of my life has been living through the collision between that and my faulty childhood declaration. A collision that usually leaves my pride mangled but my spirit uplifted as I actually have been able to experience community.
In this season the mack truck I've crossed paths with is my work. In the last two years I've been submerged in all things new. I left a place where "everybody knew my name and they were always glad I came", where my boss trusted me, my peers supported me and my staff believed in me. They sang to me on my birthday, left signs on my door to show love and threw me a party when it was time for me to leave. They were my family. It had it's bumps and certainly didn't start that way but even through the undesirable times, before me and the grown-ups learned to love each other, I always had the kids. Missed deadlines, botched plans, late buses, burnt snack...they always had the ability through a hug or a smile to make me feel like my work was appreciated.
Today? Well Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. It's a whoooole new world. These people don't know me from Adam, weren't around for my "glory days" (did I have those yet?) and frankly don't care how much my people love me. Not only that, but in addition to having to make myself "knowable" so they can learn me, I have to PROVE seemingly every day and with every task that I deserve to be there. Now, before you accuse me of whining let me just say I know that this is probably how the rest of the world aka the real world operates, but it's just a hard environment for me to be in. But I digress...
With that reality there naturally there isn't a whole lot of patting on the back going on. Most things are considered your reasonable service. So today I had my annual review.
(The explanation on how I feel about being evaluated is a whoooole other therapy session and we don't even have that kinda time)
The result was that "I do my job". This was the result after being rated on no less than like 12-16 different outcomes and goals. This would perhaps be ok, especially since I don't neeeeed people to pat me on the back, but being that I feel like I spent the last 10 months working hard and feeling stressed out most of the time while I was doing it...it sucks! I don't know what I would have liked for my supervisor to say. Actually he verbally said "I think you're doing great". On paper though, I did my job. Forget letters from partners/clients thanking me for whatever service I provided, forget emails from staff from around the country saying they appreciate my work (which meant a lot by the way), forget doing things that my peers didn't do and doing more than I was asked in some instances...I did my job. At face value I guess I did. It just stings to have all those categories to evaluate your performance and then have only two areas where I did a little more than my reasonable service.
So here I sit, making you sit through this vent and remembering two things...
- The ONLY place I'm going to get consistent cries of how amazing I am is from my mother and...
- I have to get to the place where I so understand in my craw that Jesus is pleased with me that the validation of man won't matter...even if that "man" does sign my checks.
Gooooooooooooooooooo Nicole!
Now excuse me while I do a victory lap.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Greatest Dichotomy
Sooooo...last week I had the unction to write a couple times. But I didn't because the idea is painful and I feel like if I verbalize it, it makes it more real and inevitable. COP OUT. If this blog thing is going to serve a purpose in my life I have to do it..through the pain and maybe sometimes in spite of having nothing revelatory or eloquent to say. So, here's what had my attention last week and well, pretty much all the time.
I was watching Ryan O'Neil on Oprah (was the last post prompted by Oprah too? Oh well don't judge me. lol) I looked at his weathered face and watched it alternate between joy and unimaginable grief as he talked about his dear love Farrah. In that moment I was reminded of the thing that boggles my mind more than anything else..the greatest dichotomy.
Ryan was experiencing what he described as the greatest pain of his life as he processes and lives through the grief of losing Farrah BUT the reason why he could feel those things is because he experienced so much LIVING with her while she was alive.
Dying and losing are two things that honestly petrify me the most. My mind literally can not fathom the idea that my life won't always be the way it is. This should bring me hope since every day isn't the best, but it doesn't. Even with its imperfections my life is safe. It's my life. It's predictable. The idea of one day someone integral to this picture being gone is more than I can handle thinking about on most days. This is true from my parents, to siblings, to friends to even my dog. I almost obsessively worry about something happening to the people I love. Any phone call after dark is unnerving. If I call someone too many times without them answering I'm ready to call out the dogs. It's ridiculous.
Not only that but taking risks in my own life is usually not even an option. I've watched people I love that have seemed to have lived the perfect examples of a surrendered life go through HELL. Yeah they come out stronger and all that, but in my mind I equate answering a higher call and living in a fuller way as an invitation to grief and struggle. No thank you. I'll stick to texting and my DVR thank you.
I realize it's entirelty irrational. I have seen and heard countless testimonies of people who have lived through and triumphed past unimaginable pain, loss and tragedy. I know it's possible. When I try to picture myself in their shoes though...I just don't think I could do it. All I can imagine is myself in a soggy heap somewhere. And so I stay in a box; sometimes tip-toeing near the edge, but usually staying nice and centered...inside the box. I see dreams and bigger living "out there" somewhere beyond a safe reach and it just taunts me. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not know that more exists.
As I stress myself out about not being where I think I should be at this age and get freaked out at the notion of one day being the oldest mom at a high school graduation, I try to remember that weathered faces, graying hairand shuffling gaits aren't necessarily signs of the wear and tear of life, but they are the marks of LIVING. Somehow miraculously in a "all things work together" kinda way God uses those things that seem unimaginable to me, to build people and help them see and know a fuller picture of who He is. I've seen people understand what real peace is, to know the deliverance and strength of God. These triumphant folks really know what it means to depend on GOD. They bounce back. They continue to live, love, create AAAAAND love and trust God. I know it's possible. But if I'm honest I'd have to say that I dread the day that I have to learn some of those things firsthand. But how do you experience a real life of living if you are constantly afraid of losing and dying? You don't. So you spend lots of time distracting yourself. You stay up late with mindless things until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. You only do things you feel like you can moderately control and when you encounter things that you can't...it's not pretty.
So here I am every day wrestling with the question "Will today be the day that you want to LIVE more than you're afraid to die?" Apparently not today. But maybe tomorrow.
I was watching Ryan O'Neil on Oprah (was the last post prompted by Oprah too? Oh well don't judge me. lol) I looked at his weathered face and watched it alternate between joy and unimaginable grief as he talked about his dear love Farrah. In that moment I was reminded of the thing that boggles my mind more than anything else..the greatest dichotomy.
Ryan was experiencing what he described as the greatest pain of his life as he processes and lives through the grief of losing Farrah BUT the reason why he could feel those things is because he experienced so much LIVING with her while she was alive.
Dying and losing are two things that honestly petrify me the most. My mind literally can not fathom the idea that my life won't always be the way it is. This should bring me hope since every day isn't the best, but it doesn't. Even with its imperfections my life is safe. It's my life. It's predictable. The idea of one day someone integral to this picture being gone is more than I can handle thinking about on most days. This is true from my parents, to siblings, to friends to even my dog. I almost obsessively worry about something happening to the people I love. Any phone call after dark is unnerving. If I call someone too many times without them answering I'm ready to call out the dogs. It's ridiculous.
Not only that but taking risks in my own life is usually not even an option. I've watched people I love that have seemed to have lived the perfect examples of a surrendered life go through HELL. Yeah they come out stronger and all that, but in my mind I equate answering a higher call and living in a fuller way as an invitation to grief and struggle. No thank you. I'll stick to texting and my DVR thank you.
I realize it's entirelty irrational. I have seen and heard countless testimonies of people who have lived through and triumphed past unimaginable pain, loss and tragedy. I know it's possible. When I try to picture myself in their shoes though...I just don't think I could do it. All I can imagine is myself in a soggy heap somewhere. And so I stay in a box; sometimes tip-toeing near the edge, but usually staying nice and centered...inside the box. I see dreams and bigger living "out there" somewhere beyond a safe reach and it just taunts me. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not know that more exists.
As I stress myself out about not being where I think I should be at this age and get freaked out at the notion of one day being the oldest mom at a high school graduation, I try to remember that weathered faces, graying hairand shuffling gaits aren't necessarily signs of the wear and tear of life, but they are the marks of LIVING. Somehow miraculously in a "all things work together" kinda way God uses those things that seem unimaginable to me, to build people and help them see and know a fuller picture of who He is. I've seen people understand what real peace is, to know the deliverance and strength of God. These triumphant folks really know what it means to depend on GOD. They bounce back. They continue to live, love, create AAAAAND love and trust God. I know it's possible. But if I'm honest I'd have to say that I dread the day that I have to learn some of those things firsthand. But how do you experience a real life of living if you are constantly afraid of losing and dying? You don't. So you spend lots of time distracting yourself. You stay up late with mindless things until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. You only do things you feel like you can moderately control and when you encounter things that you can't...it's not pretty.
So here I am every day wrestling with the question "Will today be the day that you want to LIVE more than you're afraid to die?" Apparently not today. But maybe tomorrow.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Do you know what to-day is?
...It's my anniversary. I have been married 7 years today. *...and the crowd goes wild*
A whole host of things are on my mind but I'm just starting this blogging thing and I'm not so sure I'm ready to completely vomit on the page just yet. Suffice it to say, one of the things I'm thinking about is anniversaries..milestones.
There are certain events in life that we deem worth remembering. While there are some things "the world" typically commemorates, it's really a rather personal decision. People can choose (and have) to remember everything from the day they got their first new car, to when they got a divorce to how long they've been on a job to how long they've been cancer-free. Anniversaries are designed to help you remember something. A moment or an event you don't ever want to forget. As I was thinking back over my day 7 years ago--the season of life that many young girls dream of--I realized that there isn't a lot to remember. Not because getting married was bad--it wasn't.
I'm pretty blessed with my wonderfully, imperfect husband.
And not because it was horrific time--which it wasn't. I got through it with most friendships and all my sanity in tact. But because the season passed me like a blur. I was so incredibly determined to git 'er done, to check off one more thing on my life "to-do" list, to make sure everyone ELSE in my life was ok that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it.
I didn't get to really soak in how cool it was for so many of the people I loved to be in the same room at the same time. That alone is shout-worthy because being a child of divorce I've lived all my life with half the people I loved living thousands of miles away. I didn't get to spend time with my new family and have memories of experiencing the celebration with them. Not realizing in a few short years several of them would be gone. I let stupid stuff talk me out of enjoying the moment. I just kept it pushing. I was calm though. Things got done though. I made it through though. And then on to the next...
My life has been one long series of "on to the next" experiences. Never really being able to sit in a moment and enjoy it for what it is because as soon as I "attain" one thing on my list I'm looking for the next one. What a pathetic way to live. Yet I can honestly say I do not know how to live any other way. I have some other things on my list--giving birth to my own children, owning a home, a whole host of things to accomplish in ministry and career--but having an on-to-the-next mentality makes me wonder if I really want those things at all or if they are just pieces of this picture perfect puzzle that I've been trying to make my life become.
I don't know.
I do know though that I don't want to continue to have anniversaries pass--birthdays, wedding anniversaries, job anniversaries etc--without me even remenbering what the journey was like along the way. So I guess this blog is one of the ways I'm gonna try to do that. I'm going to force myself at least weekly to sit and think about what has "my full attention" and share a little bit of it with you. In hopes that I'll pay a little more attention to the little things that happen along the way that create the memories worth commemorating.
This is pretty scary, but it's necessary. I don't know what I'll say or what it'll become. My punctuation and grammar at times will be horrible and I can't guarantee that my writing will have any eloquence and poetry to it. Hopefully we'll work up to that. lol For now, I will try to be consistent and honest in increasing measures. I will try to be as honest as I can stomach and as authentically me as I know how to be.
Walk with me if you dare.
Now on to the next...
A whole host of things are on my mind but I'm just starting this blogging thing and I'm not so sure I'm ready to completely vomit on the page just yet. Suffice it to say, one of the things I'm thinking about is anniversaries..milestones.
There are certain events in life that we deem worth remembering. While there are some things "the world" typically commemorates, it's really a rather personal decision. People can choose (and have) to remember everything from the day they got their first new car, to when they got a divorce to how long they've been on a job to how long they've been cancer-free. Anniversaries are designed to help you remember something. A moment or an event you don't ever want to forget. As I was thinking back over my day 7 years ago--the season of life that many young girls dream of--I realized that there isn't a lot to remember. Not because getting married was bad--it wasn't.
I'm pretty blessed with my wonderfully, imperfect husband.
And not because it was horrific time--which it wasn't. I got through it with most friendships and all my sanity in tact. But because the season passed me like a blur. I was so incredibly determined to git 'er done, to check off one more thing on my life "to-do" list, to make sure everyone ELSE in my life was ok that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it.
I didn't get to really soak in how cool it was for so many of the people I loved to be in the same room at the same time. That alone is shout-worthy because being a child of divorce I've lived all my life with half the people I loved living thousands of miles away. I didn't get to spend time with my new family and have memories of experiencing the celebration with them. Not realizing in a few short years several of them would be gone. I let stupid stuff talk me out of enjoying the moment. I just kept it pushing. I was calm though. Things got done though. I made it through though. And then on to the next...
My life has been one long series of "on to the next" experiences. Never really being able to sit in a moment and enjoy it for what it is because as soon as I "attain" one thing on my list I'm looking for the next one. What a pathetic way to live. Yet I can honestly say I do not know how to live any other way. I have some other things on my list--giving birth to my own children, owning a home, a whole host of things to accomplish in ministry and career--but having an on-to-the-next mentality makes me wonder if I really want those things at all or if they are just pieces of this picture perfect puzzle that I've been trying to make my life become.
I don't know.
I do know though that I don't want to continue to have anniversaries pass--birthdays, wedding anniversaries, job anniversaries etc--without me even remenbering what the journey was like along the way. So I guess this blog is one of the ways I'm gonna try to do that. I'm going to force myself at least weekly to sit and think about what has "my full attention" and share a little bit of it with you. In hopes that I'll pay a little more attention to the little things that happen along the way that create the memories worth commemorating.
This is pretty scary, but it's necessary. I don't know what I'll say or what it'll become. My punctuation and grammar at times will be horrible and I can't guarantee that my writing will have any eloquence and poetry to it. Hopefully we'll work up to that. lol For now, I will try to be consistent and honest in increasing measures. I will try to be as honest as I can stomach and as authentically me as I know how to be.
Walk with me if you dare.
Now on to the next...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)