The Greatest Dichotomy

Sooooo...last week I had the unction to write a couple times. But I didn't because the idea is painful and I feel like if I verbalize it, it makes it more real and inevitable. COP OUT.  If this blog thing is going to serve a purpose in my life I have to do it..through the pain and maybe sometimes in spite of having nothing revelatory or eloquent to say. So, here's what had my attention last week and well, pretty much all the time.

I was watching Ryan O'Neil on Oprah (was the last post prompted by Oprah too? Oh well don't judge me. lol) I looked at his weathered face and watched it alternate between joy and unimaginable grief as he talked about his dear love Farrah.  In that moment I was reminded of the thing that boggles my mind more than anything else..the greatest dichotomy.

Ryan was experiencing what he described as the greatest pain of his life as he processes and lives through the grief of losing Farrah BUT the reason why he could feel those things is because he experienced so much LIVING with her while she was alive.

Dying and losing are two things that honestly petrify me the most. My mind literally can not fathom the idea that my life won't always be the way it is. This should bring me hope since every day isn't the best, but it doesn't.  Even with its imperfections my life is safe. It's my life. It's predictable.  The idea of one day someone integral to this picture being gone is more than I can handle thinking about on most days. This is true from my parents, to siblings, to friends to even my dog. I almost obsessively worry about something happening to the people I love. Any phone call after dark is unnerving. If I call someone too many times without them answering I'm ready to call out the dogs. It's ridiculous.

Not only that but taking risks in my own life is usually not even an option. I've watched people I love that have seemed to have lived the perfect examples of a surrendered life go through HELL. Yeah they come out stronger and all that, but in my mind I equate answering a higher call and living in a fuller way as an invitation to grief and struggle. No thank you. I'll stick to texting and my DVR thank you.

I realize it's entirelty irrational.  I have seen and heard countless testimonies of people who have lived through and triumphed past unimaginable pain, loss and tragedy.  I know it's possible. When I try to picture myself in their shoes though...I just don't think I could do it. All I can imagine is myself in a soggy heap somewhere. And so I stay in a box; sometimes tip-toeing near the edge, but usually staying nice and centered...inside the box. I see dreams and bigger living "out there" somewhere beyond a safe reach and it just taunts me. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not know that more exists. 

As I stress myself out about not being where I think I should be at this age and get freaked out at the notion of one day being the oldest mom at a high school graduation, I try to remember that weathered faces, graying hairand shuffling gaits aren't necessarily signs of the wear and tear of life, but they are the marks of LIVING.  Somehow miraculously in a "all things work together" kinda way God uses those things that seem unimaginable to me, to build people and help them see and know a fuller picture of who He is.  I've seen people understand what real peace is, to know the deliverance and strength of God. These triumphant folks really know what it means to depend on GOD.  They bounce back. They continue to live, love, create AAAAAND love and trust God.  I know it's possible. But if I'm honest I'd have to say that I dread the day that I have to learn some of those things firsthand. But how do you experience a real life of living if you are constantly afraid of losing and dying? You don't.  So you spend lots of time distracting yourself. You stay up late with mindless things until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. You only do things you feel like you can moderately control and when you encounter things that you can't...it's not pretty. 

So here I am every day wrestling with the question "Will today be the day that you want to LIVE more than you're afraid to die?"  Apparently not today. But maybe tomorrow.