(Insert Dr. Phil's refrain "How's THAT workin' for ya?!")
Yeah...it's not. It never has. As a matter of fact, I believe God created us in the completely opposite way. He created us to first feel the draw of our need for Him and then to experience the fullness of who He is through our connectedness (aka dependence) on each other. So most of my life has been living through the collision between that and my faulty childhood declaration. A collision that usually leaves my pride mangled but my spirit uplifted as I actually have been able to experience community.
In this season the mack truck I've crossed paths with is my work. In the last two years I've been submerged in all things new. I left a place where "everybody knew my name and they were always glad I came", where my boss trusted me, my peers supported me and my staff believed in me. They sang to me on my birthday, left signs on my door to show love and threw me a party when it was time for me to leave. They were my family. It had it's bumps and certainly didn't start that way but even through the undesirable times, before me and the grown-ups learned to love each other, I always had the kids. Missed deadlines, botched plans, late buses, burnt snack...they always had the ability through a hug or a smile to make me feel like my work was appreciated.
Today? Well Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. It's a whoooole new world. These people don't know me from Adam, weren't around for my "glory days" (did I have those yet?) and frankly don't care how much my people love me. Not only that, but in addition to having to make myself "knowable" so they can learn me, I have to PROVE seemingly every day and with every task that I deserve to be there. Now, before you accuse me of whining let me just say I know that this is probably how the rest of the world aka the real world operates, but it's just a hard environment for me to be in. But I digress...
With that reality there naturally there isn't a whole lot of patting on the back going on. Most things are considered your reasonable service. So today I had my annual review.
(The explanation on how I feel about being evaluated is a whoooole other therapy session and we don't even have that kinda time)
The result was that "I do my job". This was the result after being rated on no less than like 12-16 different outcomes and goals. This would perhaps be ok, especially since I don't neeeeed people to pat me on the back, but being that I feel like I spent the last 10 months working hard and feeling stressed out most of the time while I was doing it...it sucks! I don't know what I would have liked for my supervisor to say. Actually he verbally said "I think you're doing great". On paper though, I did my job. Forget letters from partners/clients thanking me for whatever service I provided, forget emails from staff from around the country saying they appreciate my work (which meant a lot by the way), forget doing things that my peers didn't do and doing more than I was asked in some instances...I did my job. At face value I guess I did. It just stings to have all those categories to evaluate your performance and then have only two areas where I did a little more than my reasonable service.
So here I sit, making you sit through this vent and remembering two things...
- The ONLY place I'm going to get consistent cries of how amazing I am is from my mother and...
- I have to get to the place where I so understand in my craw that Jesus is pleased with me that the validation of man won't matter...even if that "man" does sign my checks.
Gooooooooooooooooooo Nicole!
Now excuse me while I do a victory lap.
Go Nicole. Here's a big woot woot for you. I think you are amazing. You just got one more fan!
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