I'm Coming Out...One 'a These Days

Today I was watching Ricky Martin on Oprah. (I know, I know. I watch too much tv.) He was talking about his journey of being a huge star and sex symbol and then coming out in recent years. When asked how he feels now that he's out he said "I have such an incredible peace like I've never had before"  My mind instantly went into church lady mode and thought how most christians would say both of those things can't be true. You can't be openly gay AND have peace. Blasphemy!

I started thinking, aren't we more postured to hear and receive from God when we are living in truth? Even AA says "admitting is the first step".  Being in denial about what's true about our lives only keeps us stuck.   So I say we ALL need to have a coming out moment.

You're still here?! I was sure I would've convinced you this was a heathen page by now after that opening paragraph.  Afterall, to a good Christian if you don't show your hatred for sin by picketing, openly rebuking and voting republican you need to turn in your church fan IMMEDIATELY 'cause you ain't saved.

But I digress...I think this conversation is disturbing to a lot of people because I think some people really feel like God has to show us how disappointed and mad He is with us BEFORE He can really show us His love. What about Him loving us because He created us in His image? What about Him loving us just the way we are? What about that?

We can't handle that. I don't exactly know why but we can't. I can't.  It's hard to embrace and live like I know He loves me because all I can see and think about is everything I do wrong every day. How much I must disappoint Him.  How much time I've wasted and am wasting.  How I'm not living up to my full potential. How I should be so much farther in life. How I should be over the issues I have. How I should be more disciplined. How I should be a bettter example. How I'm such an imposter. How I'm too needy.  How far I am from Him.  How I can't even begin to see my way back to a better place.

In my mind His love is waaaaaay on the other side of allllll 'a that. *sigh*

When I think about the Ricky Martin's of the world or anybody else for that matter I think about--and can confidently talk about--a God that loves you from the beginning. A God that loves you in any situation you could ever be in and through any phase that you could possibly go through. A God that loves you on the days that you dot all your spiritual i's and cross all your holy t's (yeah right) and who loves you when you can't find your Bible and don't remember when you last prayed without multi-tasking.  Yeah, that God I talk to YOU about...He's cool.  He won't ever leave you. He's not ashamed of you. He's not sick of you going around the mulberry bush for the 99th time.  It's all love. And yeah, you'll be transformed, but it'll be because of the presence of His love in your life and your learned ability to accept it not because you worked so feverishly to win His approval. Yeah...your God is pre-tty cool. 

Too bad there are always a separate set of rules for me.  It's like I think I get God when He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, is late for work and spilled his coffee in his lap during his 90 minute morning commute. THAT guy? He's always mad, disappointed, ashamed, shaking his head in disapproval and waiting for a chance to lay the smack down.  I try to stay out of his way because well...I think we're better off that way.  Occassionally I'll work up the courage to tip in with my head bowed and give Him the equivalent of the nigga nod (head tilts up quickly as the non-verbal "sup?") but not for long. And usually that happens when there are other people around. It feels safer. I know we're supposed to be close and getting closer but how do we do that when you're always mad and I always feel unworthy? That's a recipe for...Oprah, VH1, FB or any other thing that can hold my attention and keep my mind numbed so I don't have to face the reality that is my life or lack thereof these days.

If I were home right now, I'd be living my version of a closeted life. I'd have lots to do in the world so I'd live in my public persona most of the time. Oh and she's mildly impressive on a good day. She's diplomatic, genuine, moderately organized and efficient, a team player, selfless, good listener, hopeful....all that.  Oh all that and BUSY.  There'd be little time to tell the truth about how I really feel or where I really am.  After expending the energy of maintaining that nonsense for 18 hours a day all that's left to do is go home and collapse.  Here...there's a whoooole lotta free time. Work, home and back again. So here we are. Sitting in this closet. In the dark. Hoping the world never finds out what my life is really like, but then secretly hoping they do. Hoping that someone can slide the key under the door and let me know "the coast is clear".  I wanna live in that peace that comes from being able to admit you're in the dark in the first place. I wanna know and believe that Ricky Martin's God is my God too. 

To be continued...

My friend wrote a song. It's about all I can muster up for a prayer right now.
"Here I am. I am--calling from a dark place. Hear the cry of my heart. Quench my need for other things that don't satisfy. You're what I need in my life"
Here I Am~Michelle Lang (Obnoxious)